I Know Your Heart
by LemonDropAnyone
Summary: When you fall in love, there's a fifty percent chance your heart will get broken. Ashley took that chance. Her heart is still broken even after 3 years.
1. 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with SoN.

A/N: This will be multi-chaptered. And let's pretend for shits and giggles, Ashley wrote the songs that will be used in this story. When a song is used, I will put the actual artist and the name of the song in a note at the bottom of the chapter. Also, memories will be written in italics while what happens currently will be written in normal text.

I'm still working on Hold My Hand, but this storyline has been bugging me.

* * *

><p>"<em>Oh, I'm so sorry," Ashley said as she bumped into a woman while walking toward the entrance to Starbucks. She held out a hand to help the girl up. <em>

"_It's okay, I wasn't paying attention," said the girl. She smiled at Ashley and in less than a second, Ashley was taken. The girl had light blonde hair, a shade that Ashley had never seen before. Her eyes were a bright cerulean and her smile was completely genuine. _

"_I wasn't either," Ashley said softly. "Were you going in here?" She motioned toward the coffee shop. _

"_Yeah, actually. It's been one of those days that only a peppermint white chocolate mocha can fix," the girl said. Ashley smiled._

"_Well, let me buy you your coffee in effort to make up for adding to your day," Ashley said. The girl smiled and Ashley promised herself that she would do everything in her power to keep that smile on her face. _

"_It's okay, you don't have to," said the girl._

"_I want to," Ashley replied. The girl laughed._

"_If you insist," she said._

"_I do," Ashley replied. She opened the door for the blonde and then followed her in, relaxing as the smell of fresh coffee hit her senses._

"_I'm Ashley by the way," Ashley said as they came to stand in line. _

"_I'm Spencer," the girl said. Ashley stepped up to the counter and ordered Spencer's coffee as well as hers._

"_So, Spencer, can I ask you why it's been one of those days?" Ashley asked as they sat down at one of the tables. Spencer's face saddened and Ashley immediately regretted asking her. _

"_I ended a two year relationship," Spencer said. Ashley winced._

"_I'm so sorry," she replied. "What was his name?" Spencer giggled slightly._

"_Jacque," she replied. Ashley tilted her head in confusion. _

"_That's an odd name for a boy," she said. Spencer outright laughed._

"_It is, I agree. She isn't a he. I broke up with my girlfriend," Spencer clarified. Ashley couldn't help the feeling of elation that ran through her. Spencer was gay. She had a shot. _

"_Well, I'm sorry. That sucks, I've been there," Ashley said. "I ended things with my girlfriend a few months back." Spencer looked briefly surprised but didn't comment on Ashley's revealed sexual orientation._

"_Can I ask why?" Spencer asked. _

"_I didn't make her happy like I used to. She met another girl who put a light in her eyes I hadn't been able to put there in a while. She didn't cheat, but it would have ended that way had I not stopped things," Ashley said. "It sucked. I loved her. But I wanted her to be happy and she wasn't."_

"_That was good of you to keep her happiness in mind," Spencer said, smiling slightly. "I wish Jacque would have done that. I probably wouldn't have broken up with her if she had just cared a little more."_

"_I don't know you very well, for obvious reasons, but everyone deserves to be happy in a relationship. If you aren't, you deserve to find one that does make you happy," Ashley said. _

_They talked for two hours after that about everything and nothing at the same time. Finally, Spencer had to leave for a prior engagement, but Ashley asked for her phone number._

"_You know, just in case you want to hang out," she said, smiling brightly at Spencer. Spencer returned her smile and wrote down her number on a napkin. _

_And that was how Spencer Carlin walked into Ashley Davies' life. _

* * *

><p>"When does your flight arrive?" Kyla asked Ashley as they talked over the phone.<p>

"My flight takes off at eleven thirty and is scheduled to land around one," Ashley said. "Meet me at baggage claim. I'll call you when I get there."

"Okay, see you then," Kyla replied. The sisters hung up their phones and Ashley continued down the terminal in Sea-Tac Airport in Seattle. She had just finished up a show there.

As Ashley took her seat in the airplane, she came to fully realize just what was happening. She was going back to Los Angeles, her home for the first twenty-three years of her life. She was going back to the place where she found her best friend crying in the sandbox because his castle had been knocked over by other kids. She was going back to the place where she wrecked her dad's car because she panicked when another car got too close. She was going back to the place where she fell in love and coincidentally where her heart was broken. She was going back to where she said she never would as long as she lived.

And it was all because of one person - Spencer Alexis Carlin. It was because of the most beautiful, kindhearted, funny, and infuriating woman Ashley had ever had the pleasure to meet in her life, the woman who still held her heart, even after three years of not being with her.

It was inevitable, the fact that she would see Spencer. They had dated for two years and in those two years, their families had gotten extremely close. Aiden, her best friend, had dated and was currently engaged to Spencer's brother Glen. Clay, Spencer's other brother, and his wife Chelsea had named Ashley the godmother of their firstborn son, Benjamin Tate Carlin. Raife, Ashley's father, and Arthur, Spencer's father, took up the hobby of playing Saturday afternoon golf together and their mothers had brunch together every Tuesday and Thursday. Yes, Ashley would see Spencer.

She couldn't say she was looking forward to it.

* * *

><p>"I missed you," Ashley said to Kyla as she embraced her little sister. She hadn't seen Kyla in six months because of her tour.<p>

"I missed you too, Ash," Kyla said, hugging her sister tightly. "Come on, let's go get you settled in. And I want to hear all about your adventures."

Ashley and Kyla left the airport and headed back to Kyla's apartment, where Ashley would be staying for her duration in Los Angeles. On the way there, Ashley told Kyla of her East to West Coast Tour. Her final show would be in Lost Angeles in two days, where she would be ending her year long tour.

"So this is home," Kyla said, opening her apartment door. "The guest bedroom is the last room on the right, down the hall." Ashley made her way toward the bedroom she would be staying in until she found her own residence.

"So what are we up to for the day?" Ashley asked as she joined Kyla in the kitchen. Her sister was busy making lunch for the two of them.

"Well, I figured you could get settled in. I know you said you had some meetings later today to get ready for the concert on Friday. After we could call Aiden and go see a movie?" Kyla said.

"Sure, sounds good. I have my meeting at three. I could call you when I'm done and we could go out from there?" Ashley said. Kyla nodded and handed Ashley her sandwich to go, knowing that her sister was getting ready to leave.

"I'll see you later," Kyla said. Ashley said her goodbyes and went downstairs to where her driver was waiting to pick her up.

* * *

><p>"You look guilty," Ashley said, observing Kyla's face. She met her sister and Aiden at the movie theater.<p>

"Yeah…," Kyla began. Ashley sighed.

"Out with it, Kyla," she replied. Kyla shifted nervously.

"I may or may not have made dinner plans with our parents…who may or may not have invited the Carlin's," Kyla said. Ashley clenched her jaw.

"I'm really sorry, Ash! I had no idea they would invite anyone else. I just thought it would be nice to have dinner with the family tonight. You know, because we haven't seen you in six months. Mom called me like thirty minutes later and said she had invited the Carlin's," Kyla rushed to explain.

"Will she be there?" Ashley asked. Kyla bit her lip and nodded. "That was a stupid question. Of course she will. Paula probably demanded it."

"Look, it's not your fault Kyla. You were trying to do something nice," Ashley said, running a hand through her hair. "I'll just have to suck it up and see Spencer for the first time in a year."

"Well, at least everyone will be there. There's more of a chance that you won't be in too close of proximity to Spencer," Kyla said, trying to be positive. Ashley rolled her eyes.

"If Christine and Paula have anything to do with it, I'll be forced to interact with Spencer all night. They still don't understand why Spencer and I broke up and I'm pretty sure they're still waiting for us to say it was all a big joke and that we're actually planning on getting married," Ashley said, bitterness seeping into her voice.

"It'll be okay, Ash," Aiden chimed in. "Kyla and I can help be a buffer. We'll make sure you get your distance."

"If it were up to me, my distance would be completed by being in a separate continent. But thanks for the help," Ashley replied. "I'll be okay. I suppose it's time for me to grow up."

The news about being forced to see Spencer that evening had put a damper on Ashley's mood and she didn't enjoy the movie like she thought she would. As the three of them left, she made a promise to herself to go see it again when she didn't feel like simultaneously punching a baby and crying her eyes out.

"What time is dinner?" Ashley asked Kyla as they drove back to the apartment.

"Seven, at mom and dad's," Kyla replied. Ashley looked at the time. One hour until her self considered doom.


	2. 2

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the plot.

A/N: You know, I wish great shows would stop being canceled and replaced with shit. Quit producing other horrible shows and let good shows, like South of Nowhere or Popular or Legend of the Seeker, be funded correctly. Shows like The Secret Life of the American Teenager are pointless and so obviously see through. Can I get an Amen?

End rant.

* * *

><p>"<em>You're ridiculous and I love it," Ashley said, laughing at Spencer. The blonde grinned.<em>

"_You know it's true. Mustard overpowers ketchup's taste and therefore gets put on first, so the ketchup actually gets a chance to be enjoyed," Spencer said. _

"_To be honest, I've never really paid attention to which condiment goes first. I just know that I like mustard and that I like ketchup and that I really like it when they're together," Ashley replied._

"_You obviously have no appreciation for the art of hotdogs and hamburgers," Spencer said. _

"_Sure I do," Ashley said. "I appreciate that they're made. Without them, summer cookouts wouldn't be the same and my stomach wouldn't be as happy. If my stomach is happy, I'm happy. When I'm happy, everything is awesome. Therefore, I appreciate hotdogs and hamburgers just as much as the next non-vegetarian person."_

"_That's weak. It is a long lost art, like Latin is a lost language," Spencer said, shaking her head. _

"_I disagree. Maybe the every day use of the actual language is lost, but the English language and several others derive from Latin. Therefore, Latin is used every day. Especially if you work in the medical, law or musical field," Ashley argued. Spencer rolled her eyes._

"_We're going to have to agree to disagree," she said. "We could spend all day arguing over pointless topics." Ashley shrugged._

"_Okay," she agreed. "You know, I like that we argue, actually. It shows me that you take pride in learning things and having conversations with actual substance. That you don't only care about the most popular brand of clothing or the perfect shade of lip gloss."_

"_In the long run, that stuff doesn't matter. Sure, it helps people look better but if you don't have any intelligence to back up a stylish wardrobe, then you really aren't getting anywhere in life," Spencer said. "But I agree, it's refreshing to hold an actual conversation about something other than how good someone's ass looks in a certain pair of jeans." Ashley laughed. _

_At precisely that point in time, Ashley knew she had to have Spencer as something other than a friend. She was beautiful, extremely intelligent and outrageously funny. She had an awesome taste in music, she liked art and she loved food. There was no way Ashley was letting Spencer slip through her fingers._

"_How would you feel about going out on a date with me?"_

* * *

><p>One hour later, Ashley was following Kyla into their childhood home for The Last Supper, as she liked to call it.<p>

"Hi honey!" She was immediately taken into her father's strong arms.

"Hey dad," she said simply, hugging him back. They shared a smile. She and her father had always been extremely alike. From musical talents to mannerisms and personality, Ashley took after Raife in almost everything she did while Kyla took after their mother.

"How are you doing kiddo?" Raife asked. Ashley shrugged.

"I'm good," she said. Another one of their shared traits. They kept things simple and to the point, especially conversations.

"Your mother is in the kitchen," Raife said. "Go say hi." Ashley made her way toward the kitchen, doing as her father asked. Inside, the sight of Christine pouring two glasses of wine and Paula sitting at the kitchen bar greeted her.

"Hi mom," Ashley said, making her presence known. "Hi Paula."

"Ashley!" both women exclaimed, looking toward her. Christine enveloped her daughter in a hug before letting go. Paula settled for a quick half hug from her daughter's ex.

"How are you doing, honey?" Christine asked. "We know you've been busy. Have you been eating right? Are you sleeping at all?" Ashley rolled her eyes.

"Mom, chill. I'm fine," she replied.

"You look a bit peaky, honey," Christine continued.

"And clearly you've been watching your British soap operas," Ashley said, smiling. "Seriously, I'm okay. I've just been really busy with getting ready for the show."

"It will do well for you to take a break after this," Christine said. "You need to rest and your family misses you."

"Don't worry. My next tour isn't for another year and even then I'm only touring the states," Ashley said.

They were then joined by what seemed like every other person in the house. Ashley immediately felt a pair of arms wrap around her legs and she looked down and smiled.

"Aunty Ashwey!" Benjamin said. He smiled up at Ashley.

"Hey Benny Boy!" Ashley said. She bent down and picked Ben up before twirling him around in a circle. Ben laughed and held on to Ashley's neck.

"You've gotten so big buddy," Ashley said. Ben grinned and nodded.

"Mommy said I'm a big boy now," Ben replied. Ashley laughed and looked to where Chelsea and Clay were standing. She put Ben down before giving his parents hugs. She was then wrapped in large, strong arms.

"Ashley Isabel Davies," Glen said, smiling at his fiancée's best friend.

"Glen Marshall Carlin," Ashley said, returning the hug.

"Ashley!" Arthur said from behind Glen.

"Hey Mr. C," Ashley said, smiling brightly. However, her smile dimmed as she saw the one person she dreaded seeing standing behind her father. Her eyes met Spencer's and it seemed like the entire room got quiet.

Ashley couldn't deny that Spencer looked good. She looked more than good. She was gorgeous. From her soft blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes to her slim and fit figure and soft curves, Spencer was everything Ashley remembered her being.

Including the person who shattered her heart into a million microscopic pieces.

"Hey Ash," Spencer said softly, crossing her arms across her chest. Ashley breathed in sharply.

"Spencer," she said just as softly, nodding to the blonde. She didn't know what to say or do. So she didn't do anything. And if Spencer had a clue what to do, she didn't act like she did. She was just as frozen as Ashley.

"Well, dinner is ready," Christine said, interrupting the silence. That seemed to spur everyone into action and the chatter started back up. Ashley felt Kyla's hand on her shoulder briefly and she looked at her sister. Kyla offered her a small smile before walking into the dining room.

Ashley realized that she and Spencer were the only ones left in the kitchen. She glanced between her ex and the opening to the dining room and contemplated on whether she should leave or stay.

She chose to leave. She briefly felt guilty for doing so but then the anger and the hurt that always followed thinking of anything to do with Spencer settled in.

And fuck it. If Spencer could leave, so could she.

* * *

><p>"So, Ashley," Arthur started. "What's your plan for the next few months?" Ashley looked up from her dinner plate, where her focus had been for most of the night.<p>

"Uh…well, I'm ending my tour here and then I'll be taking the next year or so off to work on my album and work on my publicity," Ashley said. She shrugged.

"Nothing special I suppose," she added.

"Well sure that's special!" Arthur said. "When do you think your album will be out? I'm looking forward to buying it." He chuckled as he added the last part. Ashley laughed.

"Well, at the rate things are going right now, it should be ready to be released in a few months. I write all the songs that I play so really it just depends on how fast I write the songs. I've gotten a few of them done, but most are still in the process of being written," Ashley replied.

"Any chance we can hear one early?" Glen chimed in, grinning from ear to ear. Ashley snorted.

"If you decide to come to the show tomorrow night you may or may not get a sneak peak," Ashley teased, smiling back at Glen.

The conversation was soon after that steered toward Spencer and her growing career as a photographer. Ashley was quiet throughout, however, deciding to listen more than speak. She knew the conversation had geared toward Spencer because no matter how she or Spencer felt, their family still firmly believed they were destined to be together. And somehow, Christine and Paula, the conversation leaders, thought that comparing the two girls' successes would lead them to get back together.

Not likely.

However, there was a part of Ashley (and if she admitted the truth, that part was ridiculously large) that wanted to hear what Spencer had been doing. Sure, there had been a few small conversations about what the blonde had been doing with her life when she talked with Kyla over the phone but Ashley tried to ignore talking about Spencer all together. But sitting at the dinner table surrounded by her family (and another thing she hated to admit, but she did consider the Carlin's family still) hearing them talk about her ex's growing life also pained Ashley. Because what if Spencer had decided to still love her for the past three years? She wouldn't be reduced to finding out that some of Spencer's work was in the process of being considered for the Modern Museum of Art over chicken casserole. She would have been the first to find that out, from Spencer herself. And she would have wrapped Spencer in a hug big enough to cover the span of the universe. She would've been able to play the supportive girlfriend.

But Spencer hadn't decided to love her. And Ashley hadn't been able to be the supportive girlfriend. In fact, she hadn't been able to be anything. Spencer had decided to break her heart into a billion pieces that Ashley still wasn't able to find even after three years and Ashley had decided to relocate herself halfway across the world in return.

And when she thought about it, Ashley really hated Spencer Carlin. But most importantly, she really hated herself for not being able to stop loving Spencer Carlin.


	3. 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot and maybe how the characters act since it's completely AU from the show.

A/N: Oh, you know. Another fabulous chapter from a fabulous writer….just kidding. Also, the song Ashley sings is In Your Atmosphere by John Mayer.

* * *

><p>"<em>Spencer, how many times do I have to tell you that I'm not interested in every girl I talk to?" Ashley asked, her voice a mixture of exasperation and anger.<em>

"_I'm not an idiot, Ashley!" Spencer bit back. "I know what flirting is. You were flirting with her!"_

"_Alyssa was asking me what time my sound check was tomorrow night. She has to set up at the bar and she can't get a hold of Steve, the owner," Ashley said. She was pissed that she had to defend herself and she was pissed that Spencer clearly didn't trust her. _

"_And asking what time sound check is involves grabbing your hand and holding it?" Spencer practically screamed. And as Spencer's voice escalated, so did Ashley's anger._

"_She was saying thank you, Spencer! She had a fight with her girlfriend a few nights ago and I talked to her about it. She thanked me for talking sense into her!" Ashley yelled back. _

"_You talked to her, or you _talked_ to her?" Spencer said, her voice inflicting the actual meaning of her words. _

"_I talked to her Spencer!" Ashley said. She rolled her eyes. "Jesus Christ, could you trust me for two fucking seconds?"_

"_I do trust you!" Spencer argued. _

"_Clearly you don't!" Ashley argued back. "Fuck, we're not even together, Spencer!" Ashley regretted her words the moment they left her mouth. The hurt that flashed over Spencer's face made her feel like shit. _

"_Spencer, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that," Ashley said, her voice soft. She reached toward Spencer but the blonde took a step back._

"_No, you're right. We're not together. I'm not your girlfriend," Spencer said, the anger gone from her voice. _

"_Spence, come on-" Ashley started. She stopped when Spencer shook her head. _

"_I'm going to go home. I'll talk to you later," Spencer said. Ashley watched her walk away. Suddenly, the coffee the two of them had stopped to get wasn't so appetizing. _

_Two hours later, Ashley still hadn't been able to get a hold of Spencer._

"_Hey Spence, it's me. This is like…the tenth time I've called and you still haven't picked up. I know you're mad at me and I'm sorry. Just…call me back, okay?" Ashley finished the voicemail before ending the call. It was two in the afternoon and it was a Monday and she knew Spencer was probably at work but the blonde had her own office at the local newspaper and she was more than capable of picking up her cell phone. _

"_Well, if she's not going to come to you, you're going to go to her Davies," Ashley muttered to herself. She left her apartment and got into her car to drive to Spencer's work._

_She said hi to the office secretary as she crossed the lobby of The L.A. Time's headquarters. She didn't quite know what she was going to say to Spencer, but she knew she had to say something and it was something important. Suddenly, her anger from before popped up and she quickened her stride to the elevator. _

_She quickly made her way to Spencer's office and she didn't hesitate opening the door. Thinking back, she thought she probably looked like Kramer entering the room._

_And she still had no idea what she was going to say. So she just started talking. _

"_Look Spencer, I know you're mad at me. But let's face it, it was a stupid fight. Alyssa is a friend, and that's all she'll ever be. I want you. I've never wanted anyone as bad as I want you. You're the only one I think about, every day and all day. You're the first person to pop into my head when I wake up in the morning and you're the last person I think of before falling asleep at night. I can't go two seconds without checking my phone to see if you've texted me and when I see your name pop up on the screen I can't help but smile. And I'm not talking about a little smile, I'm talking about a huge, cheesy grin," Ashley said. She didn't stop, however._

"_I can't find the words to describe you, Spence. Beautiful doesn't define you and sexy fails in comparison. And even though both are true, they don't do you justice. They don't describe the way that, sometimes, when you're in the sunlight, you have this golden sparkle to your hair. It makes you look like an angel. And I know how cliché that sounds and you deserve more than all the clichés in the world, but that's all I have to give you. And there's this…_thing_ that you do when you're nervous and excited, where you smile and bite your lip, and it's just…indescribable. It makes me want to be near you all the time. And I always wish I could kiss you, but at the same time I'd never be able to see you and I think I could live my entire life just watching you. I love the way, when you're unable to contain your excitement, you start acting like a five year old all over again. When you smile, there's this light in your eyes and everyone instantly wants to be near you. I'd plan my whole life around you if I could."_

"_And you care. You care so much…it's unbelievable. You put your heart and soul into everything you do and there's this fire within you that's impossible to resist. And, again with the clichés, but you make me wish I was a better person. A much, much better person because as mush as I try to be as good as you, I'm not even close. And you deserve so much better, but here you are, with me."_

"_I mean, I know we've only known each other for a few months. And this sounds crazy. So absolutely crazy, I know. But Spencer…I love you. And I wish I could tell you exactly why I love you, but I can't even come close. I'm at a loss in comparison to you because you know who I am and that scares me sometimes because I'm not even close to perfect. Yet, you're always there. And I know who you are, and it only makes me love you even more."_

"_Be my girlfriend, Spencer. Please. I want you to be the one I go to for everything. I want you to be the one I hug and kiss and hold hands with and be silly with. I want to be the one to make you laugh and smile. I want to be the one to make you mad, but then I want to be the one that makes it better. I want to be the person you think of when you wake up and the person you think of before you go to bed. I want to be everything to you that you are to me. Please," Ashley said, finally finishing. She looked at Spencer, who looked absolutely gob smacked._

"_Ash…" Spencer said, her voice breaking. And that's when Ashley realized she and Spencer weren't the only people in the room. There were three others, two women and one man, sitting in the chairs in front of Spencer's desk. _

"_Oh, dear God. I'm so sorry. You're in a meeting. This is so embarrassing," Ashley said. Her face felt hot and she knew she must look like a fire engine. "I'll go. I just…wanted to let you know. I'm sorry, I should have knocked." She started back toward the door but Spencer's voice stopped her. _

"_No!" Spencer said. Ashley stopped and turned around, confusion written on her face with a hint of fear. "Don't go. I don't care. Just…don't go."_

_Ashley fully faced Spencer and watched her with a half hopeful, half nervous look. Spencer visibly swallowed and wiped the tears that had fallen off her face. _

"_That was…the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. And you are everything to me Ashley. I love you so much. I've loved you forever it seems like. You make me feel things I swear are only in Disney movies. You make everything better. Just seeing you brightens my day. And I've never seen anyone as beautiful as you, inside and out. Your smile, your laugh, your eyes…everything…everything about you makes me indescribably happy. I don't know what to do when I'm around you. I never stop thinking about you either. Sometimes I worry that if you ever knew how much I think about you, you would file for a restraining order. I can't think straight when it comes to you. You make me…dizzy. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and I'm dropping a hundred feet in the air all the time and…I love it. And I love you," Spencer said, her voice catching with emotion. _

"_And to answer your question…yes. Yes, I will be the one you go to for everything. I will be the one you hug and kiss and hold hands with and be silly with. You're already the one that makes me smile and laugh. And you're already the person who makes me mad but you're also already the person who makes it better. I promise you that I'm going to love you forever. And yes, I will be your girlfriend," Spencer said, a broad smile on her face. _

"_Thank you," Ashley said, wrapping Spencer in a hug. "Thank you so much." She leaned in and kissed Spencer sweetly. _

"_I'm sorry for being a bitch earlier," Spencer said, her voice muffled by Ashley's shoulder._

"_It's okay. I wasn't very nice either," Ashley replied, kissing Spencer's forehead. "Fight over?" Spencer nodded._

"_Fight over…girlfriend," she replied. She grinned as she quickly kissed Ashley on the lips. Sniffles interrupted them and both girls realized they still had an audience._

"_I thought this kind of stuff only happened in movies," one of the women said, wiping a tear from her face._

"_That was the sweetest thing I have ever witnessed," the other woman said. _

"_Spencer, I had no idea you were such a romantic," the man said, grinning at the pair. _

"_Yeah well…I'm in love. What can I say?" Spencer said, grinning. _

* * *

><p>Ashley stepped onto the stage and felt the rush of excitement and nervousness wash over her. She was standing in front of thousands of people. And it didn't matter that she did this on a regular basis. Singing words she normally only reserved for the walls of her apartment in front of a crowd of thousands always made her nervous.<p>

"Hello Los Angeles. It's been a while. Three years, in fact. A lot has happened in three years and I'm glad I could come back to the place where everything started. I hope you enjoy the evening," she said, speaking into the microphone. The screams from the crowd put any fear she had to rest and she began to play.

Two hours later, Ashley was sweating and she was tired, but she had one last song to play.

"Alright guys, as you know, I'm putting out an album in a few month's time. I wanted to give you guys a sneak peak of what it's going to be about. I wrote this song three years ago and I've never, ever played it anywhere other than the comfort of my own home. I hope you enjoy it," Ashley said.

Ashley hadn't felt this nervous before in her entire life. And it wasn't because she was playing a song for the first time in front of thousands of people. It was because she was playing the song in front of the one person it was about. And she knew Spencer would know it was about her. But she had to sing it, if only to make herself feel better.

_I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore_

_I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore_

_I don't know what it's like to land and not race to your door_

_I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore _

_I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore _

_I'm not sure that I really ever could _

_Hold on to your hotel key in your bedroom neighborhood_

_Me sleep walking in Hollywood_

_I'm gonna steer clear _

_I'd burn up in your atmosphere _

_I'm gonna steer clear _

'_Cause I'd die if I saw you _

_I'd die if I didn't see you there _

_So I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore _

_I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymore _

_I get lost on the boulevard at night _

_Without your voice to tell me 'I love you, take a right' _

_The ten and the two is the loneliest sight_

_I'm gonna steer clear _

_I'd burn up in your atmosphere _

_I'm gonna steer clear _

'_Cause I'd die if I saw you _

_I'd die if I didn't see you _

_I'm gonna steer clear _

_I'd burn up in your atmosphere _

_I'm gonna steer clear _

_'Cause I'd die if I saw you _

_I'd die if I didn't see you there_

_See you there _

_I think I'm gonna stay, gonna stay in the grey_

_I think I'm gonna stay, gonna stay, gonna stay_

_And all the streetlights say never mind, never mind_

_And the canyon lines say never mind _

_The sunset says we see this all the time_

_Never mind, never you mind_

_Wherever I go, whatever I do_

_I wonder where I am in my relationship to you_

_Wherever you go, wherever you are_

_I watch your life play out in pictures from afar_

_Wherever I go, whatever I do_

_I wonder where I am in my relationship to you_

_Wherever you go, wherever you are_

_I watch your pretty life play out in pictures from afar_

"Thank you Los Angeles. See you next time," Ashley said. She grabbed her guitar and walked off the stage, the outrageous applause of the audience following her.

"You killed it, Ash," her manager said. "We got the stats back and you completely sold out. Every seat and ticket was taken." Ashley smiled, but she only half meant it.

"Good. That bodes well for the album then," she replied. Ryan, her manager, fell into step with her as they walked toward her dressing room. On the way, she passed her sister, Aiden and the Carlin, who had been able to see the show from backstage. She caught Kyla's eye and gave a slight nod at Kyla's questioning look. Yes, she had just sung a song about Spencer knowing Spencer was in attendance.

And really, she didn't give a fuck.

* * *

><p>"Music sensation Ashley Davies has returned to Los Angeles. It is rumored her sophomore album is being released in a few month's time. Her next tour starts in the summer of 2012. Tune in to E to hear the latest tonight at ten," the announcer on the television<p>

"Lame," Ashley said, changing the channel. The first time she had heard about herself on the television, she had been kind of excited. But now, she found it annoying. Half of the time it was speculation about her love life and the other half was about how she was following her father's footsteps. It was boring and all untrue.

It was the day after her last concert of the year and she hadn't heard anything from Spencer. Not that she honestly thought Spencer would contact her. She hadn't heard from the blonde in three years. Why would she call her up now just because she heard Ashley sing a song about her and their break-up?

Ryan had given her the day off to recuperate from the night before and to get all of her things in order before she headed back to the studio to start recording. She had five out of the twelve finished. Her plan for the album was something she had never done before. Her first album were just songs she had written in no particular order. They meant something to her when she wrote them and they would always hold a place in her heart, because they reflected how she felt at one point. But that was it.

This album, however, would tell a story.

And she couldn't wait to see how it impacted not only her fans, but also the reason for her story, Spencer Carlin. Ashley sighed.

Spencer Carlin. It always came down to Spencer fucking Carlin.

* * *

><p>"Kyla, what are we doing here?" Ashley asked as they pulled into the Carlin's driveway. Kyla had a sheepish look on her face.<p>

"Mom said to bring you to girl's day. And I knew if I told you what girl's day entitled you wouldn't go. And I know you're going to be mad, but please Ash, just stay. I've missed you and so has mom and that's why I want you to go," Kyla said in one big breath. Ashley sighed.

"Ky, I missed you too. I missed mom and I missed dad. But I can't do this. Dinner the other night killed me and we didn't even speak. And if I do this, I'm going to be forced to speak to Spencer at some point or another because let's face it, Paula and Christine won't have any of it if I don't," Ashley replied.

"Well…maybe that will be good for you. I mean, I know the past three years have been horrible for you, Ash. But maybe speaking to her on neutral territory with three other people to be buffers will be good. It might help you let go," Kyla said. She squeezed Ashley's shoulder and then got out of the car.

"That's what I'm afraid of," Ashley muttered.

* * *

><p>Three hours of shopping later, Kyla, Ashley, Spencer, Paula and Christine were sitting around a table at lunch, waiting for their food. To say things were awkward was an understatement. Ashley had been home four times in the past three years and she knew she missed out on a lot. But hearing everything she had missed out on made her feel like a stranger. And it didn't help that Spencer hadn't stopped staring at her since they had sat down.<p>

Lunch was a quick affair and the elder Davies and Carlin lead the girls back to shopping. Following her mother and Spencer's down the sidewalk in the outside mall, Ashley glanced at Spencer only to see her looking at Ashley.

"What?" Ashley asked. Spencer looked startled.

"What what?" she replied.

"You've been staring at me since lunch. Do I have something on my face or something?" Ashley asked, wiping at her face. The smile that overcame Spencer's face sent a pang of longing through Ashley and also a sense of satisfaction. She made Spencer smile. It was a feeling she had missed over the past three years.

"No. No, you don't. I just…I don't know. It's good to see you," Spencer said, shrugging.

"You saw me the other night, Spencer," Ashley reminded her. Spencer looked away and shrugged again.

"Yeah, I know. It's been three years, Ashley. You're different and no matter what's happened, I still find myself wanting to know everything about you," Spencer said. She looked embarrassed by her admittance and she quickened her pace to catch up with her mother and Ashley's.

Ashley stared after Spencer, a frown on her face. Spencer still cared to know about her?

Bullshit she still cared. If she had cared, she would have contacted Ashley. Or at least tried to contact her because Ashley wasn't certain she would've taken a call, or even a text, from Spencer. Anger swept through Ashley and she quickened her pace to catch up with Spencer.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Ashley whispered angrily, grabbing Spencer's arm, effectively stopping her.

"Exactly what I said," Spencer replied.

"You make it sound like you still care," Ashley said, almost callously. Spencer winced.

"I do. And I know you aren't going to believe that. But I do care. I never stopped caring," Spencer said.

"Yet you broke my heart into pieces and then just walked away," Ashley replied, staring the blonde straight in the eye. She saw the hurt and pain flash over Spencer's face and she felt satisfaction. Maybe Spencer felt a fraction of how she had felt for the past three years.

"Look Ashley, I know what I did was wrong. And I've regretted it every day for the past three years. But that doesn't change the fact that I have always and will always care about you. And whether you like it or not, I'm going to be a part of your life, even if it is in a small, almost insignificant way. Our families will be tied together for the rest of our lives and at some point we're going to have to interact with each other," Spencer said.

"And I know things between us will never be the same. I hurt you in the worst way possible, and I'm so very, very sorry for doing so. But who I was three years ago and who I am now are two very different people. And I know I'm asking a lot right now, but if you could put what happened aside for just a few seconds, I could show you who I am now," Spencer continued. Ashley sighed. As much as she hated to admit it, Spencer was right in a weird way. Ashley was tied to Spencer and her family forever, whether it was the fact that Spencer still to this day held the pieces of Ashley's heart in her hands or whether it was because she was Benjamin's godmother, or even the fact that her best friend was marrying Glen.

And it sucked admitting Spencer was right. Because she was angry and she was hurt and it was so much easier staying angry and hurt than it was to forgive and move on.

"Spencer...look, I'm going to be honest. Yes, you're right that we're tied together for the foreseeable future. And I know it's been three years, but I'm still hurt and I'm still extremely angry and I don't see that changing any time soon right now. You…you had my heart. And as much as I absolutely loathe admitting this to you, you still do. You had my heart and you stomped it to a million tiny pieces. I haven't been able to forget anything about you as hard as I've tried," Ashley said. The look on Spencer's face made her want to stop, but she knew she couldn't. She had to get this out.

"And while I still love you with everything that I am, I can't see anything between us other than a tentative friendship. Maybe one day I'll be able to forgive you. Maybe one day, things between us might become easier. But as it is, it's a maybe. And to be perfectly honest, I highly doubt that maybe will turn into a yes," Ashley said.

"I know. And I'm sorry. But know that whenever you want to talk about things, I'll be there in a second. And I promise I won't try and justify my actions because they weren't justifiable. But I do want a chance to explain at some point. I don't know when that will be, but I'll wait forever if I have to," Spencer replied.

And for the second time in her life, Ashley watched Spencer walk away. Only this time, she couldn't help but feel as if everything would be okay.


	4. 4

Disclaimer: I don't own SoN.

A/N: I'm feeling exceptionally ornery today. Ashley may or may not suffer because of that. I will more than likely feel guilty after I write this.

* * *

><p>"<em>Baby, it's two in the morning. Is something wrong?" Spencer asked sleepily, picking up the phone.<em>

"_Spence, come outside!" Ashley replied. _

"_What?" Spencer said, a little disbelieving. _

"_Just come outside! The back, not the front. Quick!" Ashley replied. And then all Spencer heard was the dial tone. Half pissed off, Spencer got out of bed and pulled on her sweatpants and slipped into her flip-flops._

"_Ash, seriously. What's going on?" Spencer asked, stepping out of her backdoor. Ashley grinned and grabbed her hand before leading her to the dock that sat behind Spencer's beach house. _

"_I couldn't sleep so I was looking out my window and I realized I could see the stars. Which, you know, is really odd in L.A. So…I wanted to watch them with you while they lasted," Ashley replied as they came to a stop on the dock. _

_She had laid out a blanket for them to sit on and had another one handy to cover up with. Spencer smiled and gave Ashley kiss. _

"_That's so sweet," she said. Ashley beamed and took a seat on the blanket before motioning Spencer to sit between her legs. _

"_And I brought hot chocolate, just in case," Ashley said, holding up a thermos. Spencer smiled and snuggled back against Ashley before covering them up with the extra blanket. _

_She had to admit. Ashley was adorable. And the stars were beautiful. _

"_I love you Spencer," Ashley murmured, pressing a kiss to Spencer's neck. _

"_I love you too, Ashley," Spencer replied, closing her eyes and enjoying the feeling of being pressed up against Ashley. "I love you more than I could ever express in words."_

* * *

><p>"What song do you have for us today?" Kyla asked her sister as she stepped into the living room of their apartment. Behind her stood Aiden and Glen. Ashley looked up from her guitar and gave a half grin.<p>

"Wouldn't you like to know," she joked.

"What have you got going on today?" Aiden asked.

"I have to be at the record studio today at two. I'm recording one of the songs I just finished. Its going on the CD so they want to get it down," Ashley replied. "I was just practicing the chords before I left."

"Alright, well, mom and dad are having everyone over for a cook out later this evening. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone," Kyla said, shooting Ashley a look. Ashley sighed and set aside her guitar. This is the exact reason she hadn't wanted to come home.

"I'll come if I get out of the studio in time," Ashley said. "Don't be afraid to start eating without me. I'll more than likely be a while."

"We'll relay the message," Kyla replied, heading into the kitchen. Glen and Aiden followed her and Ashley let her back hit the back of the couch.

Why did Spencer have to be in everything she did and everything she saw?

* * *

><p>"Alright, Ash. We need you to go over the very last verse for us," Ashley's manager spoke through the window. Ashley met his eyes and nodded as she adjusted her guitar and the headphones on her head before beginning to sing again.<p>

_I feel the beating of your heart_

_I see the shadows of your face_

_Just know that wherever you are_

_Yeah, I miss you_

_And I wish you were here_

_I miss the years that were erased_

_I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face_

_I miss all the little things_

_I never thought they'd mean everything to me_

_Yeah, I miss you_

_And I wish you were here_

_So far away from where you are_

_These miles have torn us worlds apart_

_Yeah, I miss you_

_And I wish you were here_

"Good, let's get a break," Ryan said. Ashley stood from her chair and took off her guitar and headphones.

"That's a beautiful song, Ash," one of her crew members said as they passed out the coffee that was a tradition among the late nights recording songs.

"Thanks," Ashley said, smiling a little. She checked her phone. The time read 9:06 and she had three unread text messages and two missed calls. She hadn't meant for her studio time to take so long. But she was a perfectionist. And if she felt like one of her songs wasn't working out, she would work until it did work out.

Her phone started to ring again. It was Kyla.

"Hey, Ky," Ashley said.

"Where are you?" Kyla asked.

"I'm still at the studio. Sorry its taking so long, but the new song needed some work. We're wrapping it up and I'll be over in a little bit," Ashley said.

"Okay, I'll let mom and dad know. And…when you get here, be calm. I swear no one knew," Kyla said. Ashley frowned.

"No one knew what?" Ashley asked.

"I...Hold on," Kyla said. Ashley heard her sister shout out a reply to whoever had asked her a question before returning to the phone. "I have to go. Benjamin wants me to read him a story before bed. See you in a little while."

The dial tone reached her ear before she could think about replying to Kyla. She sighed, clearly frustrated.

Whatever. There really wasn't anything that could surprise her or upset her. She didn't think anyway.

"Come on Ash," Ryan called. "Let's get back to work."

* * *

><p>Forty minutes later, Ashley stood outside of her parent's house with a cup of coffee in her hand. There were still several cars in the driveway and she wondered who all was there. She realized that her appearance wasn't exactly the best. She was in a pair of loose fitting jeans that had a few holes here and there. On her feet were her gray Chucks and she wore a worn Mac Miller t-shirt. Her hair was thrown up in a messy bun and she had her glasses on. Really, she was a hot mess but she didn't think she could care any less than she did.<p>

"Its about time you got here," Kyla said, greeting Ashley at the door. Ashley shrugged and followed her sister through the house.

"Yeah well, I had to work," Ashley said. "The album is in its finishing stages. Its going to be taking up a lot of my time."

"Just…please don't freak out," Kyla said, turning around to face her sister.

"About what Kyla? You're freaking me out," Ashley said, taking a sip of her coffee.

"We all got a surprise today and I'm not sure how you're going to take it," Kyla said. "So…just prepare yourself." With that, she walked into the living room. Ashley sighed and followed her.

Nothing seemed out of the normal at her first glance around the room. Her parents were there, as were Arthur and Paula. Glen and Aiden were on the couch with Kyla sitting next to them. Clay and Chelsea were reclining on the floor. A few of her parent's friends were around the room, smiling at her. And Spencer was standing next to some unknown brunette over by the couch where Glen was.

"Ashley, dear! You're late," Christine said.

"I was at the studio. We had to record one of my new songs and discuss how the album is being put together," Ashley said in response. She gave her mom a hug and her dad a kiss on the cheek. Everyone else she waved to.

"There's food in the kitchen kiddo," Raife said, standing next to his daughter. "We saved you some."

"Thanks dad," Ashley said.

"Ashley, we have someone we'd like you to meet," Christine said. Ashley focused her attention on her mother, who had stood up and walked to the unknown brunette she had spied earlier.

"Hi, its so nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you. I'm Brooke, Spencer's girlfriend," the girl said, stretching out her hand. Ashley froze.

Spencer's girlfriend? What in the fuck?

"Nice to meet you too," Ashley said simply, briefly shaking the girl's hand. She stepped back and met Kyla's eye. Kyla frowned and nodded her head.

Ashley swallowed. She was frozen. Spencer had a girlfriend? Since when did Spencer have a girlfriend? And why in the flying fuck would she show up to her house? Did Spencer hate her that much that she had to flaunt another girl in front of her face?

"I'm…going to get a drink," Ashley muttered, turning around to go to the kitchen.

"You have coffee dear," her mother said.

"And coffee isn't going to get me drunk," Ashley replied bluntly, continuing to the kitchen.

* * *

><p>She was legitimately wasted. As the next hour passed, Ashley had knocked back seven beers and a couple shots of Jack Daniel's. She was in no way being an unruly drunk, however. In fact, she hadn't said much all night. She answered questions that were pointed toward her to the best of her ability, and was even polite in doing so.<p>

But the fact that she was able to talk didn't mean she wasn't drunk. There was no way she would be able to drive home tonight.

"I'm going outside," Ashley mumbled to Kyla. She stood slowly from the couch and tried to leave the living room without hitting as much furniture as possible as she half staggered to the kitchen to get another beer.

With her eighth in hand, Ashley made her way to the back deck and to a chair. She sighed as she propped her feet up on one of the other chairs and reclined slightly while taking a swallow of beer.

The stars were beautiful. Each and every one shined brightly in the sky. Ashley briefly thought back to The Lion King scene where Mufasa told Simba what the stars meant.

"Its kind of chilly out," said a voice behind her. Ashley didn't move or reply. Why the fuck should she?

"Do you need a jacket?" they asked again.

"Do you even care?" Ashley mumbled, taking another drink.

"Of course I care," Spencer said, moving closer to Ashley. Ashley stayed silent.

"Do you think it's a good idea to still be drinking?" Spencer asked, taking a seat next to Ashley. Ashley snorted.

"Probably not. I'm sure my liver will pay me back somehow. But right at this moment, I couldn't give a fuck less," Ashley replied bluntly. An awkward silence fell between the two girls.

"Look, Ash…," Spencer began. Ashley held up her hand and Spencer stopped talking.

"Don't. Whatever you're going to say, don't. You and I have been over for three years. So if you want to date someone else, go right ahead. I'm not going to stop you. It doesn't matter that every day for the past three years, all I wanted was that night where we laid in your bed with nervous hands, our shoulders touching. It doesn't matter that every time I close my eyes I see your face staring back at me. It doesn't matter that my life took a turn for the worse because three years ago I lost the right to love you. You can do what you want Spencer. I told you we could try to be friends and that's what we'll be," Ashley said, her eyes closed and her head resting against the back of the deck chair.

"Ashley…I didn't mean for any of this to happen," Spencer said, unshed tears lining her eyes.

"But it did. It happened and now we're dealing with the consequences," Ashley said, standing from her chair. Her legs felt slightly wobbly, but she didn't care. All she wanted to do was finish her beer and leave. She needed to get away from Spencer. Again.

"You…you have a good night Spencer," Ashley said softly. She walked to the door and hesitated for just a second before she walked back in the house, leaving Spencer alone on the back deck.

"Everything okay honey?" Raife asked her as she walked into the kitchen.

"Yeah dad," Ashley said, swallowing the last of her beer. "Everything is fine."

It was a lie. Nothing was fine. She wasn't fine and her life sure as fuck wasn't either.


	5. 5

Disclaimer: I don't own SoN. Also, Epic Records is not located in L.A. but for the purpose of this story it will be. I also have no ownership in that either. Unfortunately.

A/N: Spencer is getting a lot of negative feedback. Don't you worry guys, you'll find out why she's behaving like she is. I promise. Also, the songs I use for Ashley's album will be posted at the end of this chapter if anyone is wondering what songs are being used.

* * *

><p>"<em>You will never guess what just happened," Ashley said as she walked into the kitchen. She couldn't help the large smile that was on her face. <em>

"_What's up?" Spencer asked, looking up from the brownie mix she was making._

"_I just got a phone call from Epic Records. They said they've been checking out my work and they want to set up an interview!" Ashley said. Spencer grinned._

"_Honey that's great!" she said, stopping what she was doing so she could hug her girlfriend. _

"_I'm so happy right now. My dreams are coming true," Ashley said, grinning brightly. She leaned in and kissed Spencer._

"_How do you want to celebrate?" Spencer asked when they broke the kiss. She leaned her forehead against Ashley's as she controlled her breathing. Ashley's grin turned somewhat lecherous. _

"_I want you naked in my bed," Ashley replied. Spencer swallowed loudly. _

"_That can be arranged," she murmured as she felt Ashley start undoing the button to her pants. Her lips met Ashley's once more before she felt herself being pushed backward toward the bedroom._

"_I love you Spencer," Ashley muttered later that night as she fell asleep._

"_I love you too," Spencer said, resting her head on Ashley's chest. The rhythmic thump of Ashley's heart put her to sleep. _

* * *

><p>There were few things she hated in the world. And Spencer's girlfriend was one of them. It wasn't because Brooke was dating Spencer, though she was sure that didn't help the situation. It wasn't because Brooke was stunningly gorgeous and seemed to fit well with her ex. It wasn't even that Spencer seemed happy with Brooke.<p>

So why did she hate her? Well…she was annoying. Her voice reminded Ashley of nails on a chalkboard and at any point that Brooke was speaking, Ashley wanted to punch her in the face to get her to shut up. Also, her clothes were ugly as fuck and Ashley was sure she was going to put her on What Not to Wear. But what she hated most about Brooke was that whenever Ashley was in the same vicinity as Spencer, Brooke would shoot her a smug grin and proceed to do something physical with Spencer, further rubbing in the fact that Ashley was no longer able to do the same.

And that pissed her off. Seriously.

So wouldn't it be the day where Ashley had to sit for hours in the company of her mother, Spencer's mother, Spencer, Brooke and Kyla. Why did girls insist on having 'girl days'? They fucking sucked.

"So Ashley, how excited are you for your album to come out on Friday?" Paula asked. Ashley looked up from her phone. She had been texting Aiden telling him to call her so she could pretend something was going on so she could leave.

"Uh...pretty excited. I think it's a pretty good one," Ashley said.

"What's it about?" Paula asked. Ashley shrugged.

"Moments in my life. Some good, others not so good," Ashley replied, briefly glancing in Spencer's direction. The blonde was staring straight at her and to her left was Brooke, who was also staring at Ashley.

"You have an interview tomorrow right?" Kyla asked. Ashley nodded.

"Yeah, with Ellen," Ashley replied, grinning. "It's going to be awesome."

"I bet. Ellen is amazing," Kyla replied. A quiet hush fell over the table for a few minutes while they struggled to find something to talk about.

"So did Spencer tell you one of her photographs was accepted into the Modern Museum of Art?" Brooke broke the silence. While everyone around the table began congratulating Spencer, Ashley looked at the blonde. She looked annoyed, and rightly so. It was her accomplishment to announce, not Brooke's. Ashley took pride in the fact that she wouldn't have done that to Spencer had they still been dating.

"Ashley, you haven't said anything. Did you hear Brooke?" Christine asked, looking at her oldest daughter. Ashley raised an eyebrow as she looked at her mother before glancing at Brooke, who had a smug smirk on her face.

"Yeah, luckily I speak slut. I heard what she said," Ashley replied. Beside her, Kyla snorted before taking a large drink of water to calm herself. Ashley watched Paula turn her head away, but she couldn't miss the smile that had broken over the older blonde's face.

"Congratulations Spencer. I'm sure you deserve it," Ashley said, focusing her attention on her ex. Beside her, Brooke was visibly seething. Ashley smirked to herself. Served the bitch right.

"Thanks," Spencer said lightly. She briefly met Ashley's gaze before blinking and turning her head.

As the conversation lead elsewhere, Ashley kept to herself. She deleted the text she was in the process of sending Aiden. If she could get in a few more jabs at Brooke, she was sure girl's day wouldn't be too bad.

* * *

><p>"Your second album is being released in two hours," Aiden said, screaming over the phone. Ashley laughed.<p>

"Yeah Aid, I know. I'm actually at a mixer for it right now," Ashley said. Her release party had only begun a few hours ago and it was still going strong.

"I'm standing in line for it. The line is already wrapped around the entire building," Aiden said.

"Good. I'm glad people are excited for it. Everyone worked really hard," Ashley replied. She tucked her phone between her shoulder and her ear so she could pour herself another glass of 'adult' punch. Why it had been labeled 'adult' she didn't know since everyone was over twenty-one but she wasn't one to argue. It had alcohol, she was happy.

"Well, I just wanted to let you know. I'll let you get back to mixing," Aiden said. "Glen says hi and so does Kyla. And Spencer and Brooke."

"The whole gang is there, huh?" Ashley said. "Cool. I have to get back to the party but thanks for calling Aid. Let me know how you like it."

"Will do darling. Expect a phone call around one or two in the morning," Aiden said, laughing. They said their goodbyes and hung up.

"There are people lined up for the release," Ryan said, coming to stand next to her. Ashley nodded.

"Yeah, Aiden just called me to tell me. I'm pretty happy," Ashley said, smiling slightly. It did please her that so many people were fans.

"Well, you did a good job, kiddo. I know this album means a lot to you," Ryan said, laying a hand on her shoulder. Ashley nodded and he squeezed her shoulder lightly.

"I'll let you get back to mingling, but I wanted to tell you I'm glad I'm your manager. Not too many people get to represent good hearted people like you and I'm one of the lucky ones," Ryan said smiling.

"Thanks Ryan. I enjoy having you as my manager. You work ridiculously hard," Ashley said, smiling genuinely. They hugged it out and then went back to the party.

At midnight, screams of happiness were heard in Epic Records. Her second album, Always Remember the Fifth of November, had been released.

Ashley didn't stay long after that, only a couple hours. Instead, she said goodbye to her crew and then went home.

As she climbed into bed, she realized that she was essentially baring her soul to millions of people. No one except her and Spencer knew what happened in their break up and here it was millions of people would be hearing songs she had written about their break up. She didn't quite know how she felt about that.

She fell asleep alone that night.

* * *

><p>Someone Like You – Adele<p>

From Where You Are – Lifehouse

In Your Atmosphere – John Mayer

I'm Gonna Find Another You – John Mayer

Photograph & Memories – Jason Reeves

Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) – Vertical Horizon

Tonight – FM Static

I Gave You All – Mumford & Sons

Cannonball – Damien Rice

For the Keeping – After Eden

Northern Wind – City and Colour

Liar – Mumford & Sons


	6. 6

**Disclaimer**: Still don't own anything except my imagination.

**A/N**: Okay, so I've gotten a couple PMs asking what I think Ashley sounds like. If anyone has heard of Christina Perri, that's who I base Ashley's voice off of. Maybe a little raspier. But Christina Perri is who Ashley reminds me of. If any of you haven't heard of her, go look her up. She's wonderful.

* * *

><p>"<em>Are you sure you're okay, Spence?" Ashley asked, looking at her girlfriend. Spencer had been distant the past couple days. Ashley would text her and get a response a few hours later. She'd call Spencer and get no answer. When they were together, Spencer was quiet and <em>_didn't didn't seem to want to even hold Ashley's hand, never mind do anything else_

"_Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just…off. I haven't been feeling well the past couple days," Spencer replied, looking at Ashley. Ashley frowned. _

"_Honey, what's wrong? Do you need to go to the doctors?" Ashley asked. Spencer shook her head. _

"_No, I'm sure it will go away. Sorry I've been so distant lately. I just don't like to be around people when I'm sick," Spencer said. Ashley kissed Spencer's forehead softly. _

"_Its okay. I just wondered if I had done something wrong," Ashley said. Spencer shook her head. _

"_Not at all baby," she said. "Its me." Ashley felt like Spencer wasn't telling her something, but she stopped from questioning her girlfriend further. Spencer had finally spoke more than a sentence to her in two days. She wasn't going to push it. _

"_Okay. I love you," Ashley said, smiling softly at Spencer. _

"_I love you too," Spencer mumbled, tucking her face into Ashley's shoulder so they could cuddle. Ashley couldn't help the large grin that came over her face. She leaned back against the couch and held Spencer tighter. _

_Spencer was her world. And the only thing she wanted to change about her was her last name. _

* * *

><p>The next few weeks after her album released was extremely hectic for Ashley. She had interviews left and right along with appearances to be made. She had hardly seen Kyla or Aiden or her parents at all. In fact, she hadn't even heard what they thought of the album. She hadn't been home long enough to say anything other than goodbye.<p>

"Alright Ash, you're going to need to come back tomorrow around noon. We've got to get you to your interview a little early so you can go over the questions you'll be asked," Ryan said. They had been at the studio going over her upcoming schedule for the past three hours. She was tired and she knew everyone else was as well.

"Yeah, I'll be here on time," Ashley replied. She stood from the table along with Ryan and a few others and said goodbye.

On her way out, her phone rang.

"Hello?" Ashley picked up.

"Ash! Are you going to be able to be home for dinner tonight?" Kyla's voice rang through the phone. Ashley checked watch – 3:08.

"Yeah, I'll be there Ky," she replied. "I just got out of my meeting and I'll be home in a few minutes."

"Okay. I'm not there right now. I'm out with Aiden and Glen but we should be in an hour or so," Kyla replied.

"Alright, see you then," Ashley said. She said her goodbyes with Kyla before getting in her car. She was fairly certain she had never been so excited to see the inside of her apartment.

* * *

><p>The hour Ashley thought she had turned out to be two and a half. When she got home, she immediately took a long, hot shower and dressed in comfortable sweats and a cut-off t-shirt. She then grabbed her acoustic guitar and took up space on the couch in the living room. It had been a while since she had one-on-one time with her favorite instrument.<p>

"Ash, we're home! And we have company! I hope you're dressed," Kyla's voice rang throughout the house as she stepped through the front door.

"Chill out Kyla, no need to yell. I'm sitting right here," Ashley said, peaking over the back of the couch to look at the door. Kyla was standing there with what seemed like the entire Carlin clan and her parents and Aiden.

"What are you doing?" Kyla asked.

"Well, I was playing my guitar. But now I'm wondering why the fuck I didn't get the memo that everyone and their brother would be showing up today," Ashley said to her sister.

"Surprise attack. We're taking you out for dinner. We haven't gotten the chance to properly congratulate you on your album," Kyla said. Ashley nodded and stood from the couch, her guitar in hand.

"Honey, when did you get all of those?" Christine asked, pointing toward the many tattoos that showed because of Ashley's cut-off. Ashley shrugged.

"Here and there, I suppose. I've got seven," she said. "The dates kind of run together."

"She's a rockstar mom. What do you expect?" Kyla added, grinning at her sister. Ashley grinned back.

"Go get dressed so we can leave," Christine said. Ashley rolled her eyes and made her way to her bedroom. She changed out of her sweats and into a pair of dark blue jeans and a plain, white t-shirt and pulled on a pair of white slip-on Vans. She made sure she had her wallet and her keys before leaving her room.

"Done," Ashley said, going back into the living room.

"Took you long enough," Brooke muttered under her breath. Ashley was pretty sure she was the only one who heard it, but she had heard it so of course she had to respond.

"I can only please one person a day, and that's me, so fuck off," Ashley said nonchalantly as she passed by.

"Ashley! That wasn't nice," Christine said, getting after her daughter. Ashley raised an eyebrow at her mother.

"And if you look here, you'll see all the fucks I give," Ashley replied, pointing toward the empty space beside her. Rolling her eyes, Kyla intercepted before an all out brawl started between her sister, her mom and Spencer's girlfriend.

"Alright, let's go. We're going to be late," Kyla said, pushing everyone out of the apartment.

Kyla did have to hand it to her sister, though. She was funny.

* * *

><p>"This is going to be a wicked pisser," Ashley muttered as they pulled up to the restaurant. Kyla glanced at her sister.<p>

"Why?" she asked. Ashley snorted.

"I don't know if you knew, but I'm famous. People are going to be surrounding us tonight," Ashley replied, getting out of the car.

The large party stepped into the restaurant and about three seconds in, Ashley wanted to slit her wrists. What happened to having a nice family dinner?

"Hi, twelve and a high chair," Ashley said to the hostess. The hostess glanced up and then her eyes widened.

"Oh my God, you're Ashley Davies!" the hostess said. Ashley scratched the back of her head and looked away for a second.

"Er, yeah. I am," she said. The girl before her seemed to be frozen before she remembered her job and picked up some menus.

"Right, twelve. This way," she said. Ashley sighed and followed the girl in front of her to the table.

"Sarah will be your server. Have a nice evening," the hostess said, placing the menus on the table. Her eyes lingered on Ashley for a brief second more before she left.

"Fan number one," Kyla giggled. Ashley rolled her eyes. Really, she did love her fans. She was happy that she could play music that other's enjoyed and related to. She really did. But sometimes, she just wanted to be able to walk somewhere without people freaking out about seeing her. She was just a person. There was nothing special about her. She ate Frosted Flakes and played Modern Warfare 3 just like any other person would. So she made music for a living? Nothing to freak out over.

"Just you wait. The night will be long," Ashley replied.

And she was right. They had only been there for thirty minutes and Ashley had close to twenty people come up to her and ask for her autograph. It was enough to drive her to drink. That and Brooke seemed to have left her bitch pills at home and every other sentence out of her mouth was in some way against Ashley.

"Can I get you a refill?" their server asked Ashley, pointing to her water glass. Ashley nodded.

"Yes, please. And also, can I get an amaretto sour please?" Ashley asked, producing her I.D. The server checked it and nodded before walking away to get her drinks. Across from her, Ashley's mother gave her a look.

"Do you really need a drink this early in the evening?" she asked. Ashley checked her watch. It was 6:30. There was nothing wrong with having a drink after five in the evening.

"Friday is the beginning of my liver's work week. Sorry I'm not sorry," Ashley shrugged. Beside her, Aiden, Glenn and Kyla laughed. Christine rolled her eyes.

"So, Ashley, the album was wonderful," Paula Carlin said, bringing to attention the reason why they were out to dinner in the first place.

"Thank you," Ashley said, taking a long drink of her amaretto sour that had just been placed in front of her.

"Yeah, Ash. You could really feel the emotions behind each song," Aiden added. Ashley smiled. Her goal had been achieved then.

"I'm glad. Everyone worked really hard on it," Ashley said.

"Who were the songs about? You can't have a song or songs like that without having a reason behind them," Brooke piped in. Ashley shot her a look. She knew what Brooke was trying to start and while she wanted to knock the piss out of her, she wasn't going to embarrass Spencer like that. Another reason she thought Brooke was bad for Spencer. The girl had no care for how her actions or words would affect another person, especially her girlfriend.

"A lot of people," Ashley shrugged. "Everyone has people that make them mad or hurt them or make them happy. No one in particular." She was sure everyone at the table knew how much of a lie that was, especially Spencer and Brooke, but she didn't care. She wasn't going to start a public fight. Not only would it be bad for her career, Spencer would be out a girlfriend and she didn't want to hurt the blonde like that.

That seemed to quiet Brooke for a little bit. Over the course of the meal, Ashley had several more drinks. However, she made sure to drink a glass of water for every alcoholic drink she had. She wasn't drunk, but she wasn't exactly sober. If anyone asked her something, her filter would more than likely flake out and they would get her honest thoughts.

"Personally, I think staying mad at a person for an extended amount of time is stupid," Ashley heard Brooke say. She tuned out of the conversation she had been having with Kyla, Glenn and Aiden and tuned into the one Brooke was in with Paula, her mother and Spencer.

"Some people might deserve it though," Christine said. She looked over at Ashley and spoke upon noticing that her daughter was paying attention to the conversation.

"What do you think, Ash?" she asked.

"Hm?" Ashley said, looking away from Brooke. "Oh. I don't know. It depends on the reason you're mad at them I guess."

"What do you mean?" Brooke said.

"Well, if you're mad that someone ate your sandwich, get over it and make a new one. If you're mad that someone broke your heart, that anger isn't going to go anywhere for a long time if it even leaves at all," Ashley clarified.

"So you'd rather hold a grudge?" Brooke said, challenging Ashley. Ashley raised one of her eyebrows.

"I didn't say that. I said it depends on the reason for your anger. Being angry and holding a grudge are two different things," Ashley fired back.

"I disagree with you," Brooke said. Ashley shrugged.

"Good for you. Do you want a cookie?" she said. "You're allowed to have your own opinion." Brooke's eyes narrowed and Ashley knew it was on.

"I do have my own opinion. Especially of you," Brooke said. Ashley smiled.

"Didn't give a fuck yesterday, don't give a fuck today, won't give a fuck tomorrow," Ashley replied. "I honestly don't care what others think of me."

"Clearly," Brooke stated, scoffing.

"I want to play you a song. I call it 'leave me the fuck alone'. I really think you'll like it," Ashley said. By that time, most of the table had clued in on their discussion. Chelsea excused herself from the table and took Ben with her, claiming to have to change his diaper.

"How did you ever manage to date her?" Brooke said, swinging her head to look at Spencer. Spencer took her eyes away from Ashley and settled them on Brooke.

"Our relationship was a while ago," was all Spencer said.

"She's such a bitch. No wonder you broke up with her," Brooke muttered. Instantly, Ashley saw red. Seeing this, Spencer winced.

"Listen, slut. You don't know me. You didn't know me five years ago and you don't know me now. What you know is that I dated Spencer. And if that simple fact makes you hate me, then that clearly shows what type of person you are. I haven't said a word to you unless it was answering something you said. But I will say this. You are nothing but a jealous bitch who clearly has her head up her ass. How you got Spencer to date you is a good question because the Spencer I know doesn't take shit like what you give out. You, my sweet angel face, are being a fucking hater. Don't have children. Stupid people shouldn't breed," Ashley said. She stood and took out her wallet and slapped down forty dollars for a meal she had hardly eaten and the drinks she had consumed. She then walked out, ignoring her name being called.

* * *

><p>It had been several hours since her departure from dinner. She was cold and she was hungry and she was still pissed off. However, she remained seated on the ground under her favorite oak tree that was in a park not far from where she lived. Before her break up with Spencer and her departure from Los Angeles, she loved sitting under the tree. It was her spot.<p>

There were footsteps behind her. Someone was approaching. But Ashley didn't care enough to look.

"You've been gone for a while," said the person behind her. Ashley shrugged without turning around.

"I don't have any commitments," Ashley replied. Spencer took a seat next to Ashley on the ground.

"I'm sorry about what happened at dinner," Spencer said. "She was out of line. I talked to her."

"You didn't have to. She's allowed to hate me. I honestly don't care," Ashley said.

"She still shouldn't have said that to you. She had no right. She doesn't know what happened with us at all," Spencer replied.

"I don't even know what happened with us Spencer," Ashley said, finally looking at the girl next to her. "We were so happy. What happened?" Spencer sighed and looked away from Ashley.

"It's complicated," Spencer muttered.

"Love isn't complicated. People are," Ashley said. "Did I do something? I thought you were happy."

"I was," Spencer said. "And…really, it wasn't anything you had done or hadn't done. It really was me. I psyched myself out and I made a mistake. I've regretted it for the last three years." It was quiet between them for a while.

"I got scared," Spencer finally said, her voice slightly hoarse. "Its stupid and you're probably going to hate me even more for telling you this. But I was scared. You had your dream right in front of you. Everything that you had worked for paid off and you were about to travel around the world. And I knew that we would be apart. I knew that you would see other girls. I was afraid that we wouldn't make it. So I broke up with you and in the process, I broke my own heart and yours too. It was the dumbest decision of my life." Ashley didn't respond for several minutes.

"Why are you with Brooke?" Ashley finally asked. "Because I know it's been three years since we've really talked but you couldn't have changed that much. She isn't the type of girl you go for." Spencer shrugged.

"To be honest, I don't really like her. I think I did for the first couple days that I knew her. But seriously, I'm dating her because I didn't know how to say no. We've only been together for a couple months. It's nothing serious. And I'm pretty positive I'm going to break up with her," Spencer said. "I just wanted to see if I could be in a relationship again. I haven't dated anyone since you, until Brooke."

"We share that in common then," Ashley said. It was Spencer's turn to be quiet for a few minutes.

"I know that album was about me. And I can't tell you how sorry I am for hurting you as much as I did. I was stupid and there is absolutely nothing I can say or do to show you how sorry I am," Spencer said.

"When you are in a relationship with someone, you share yourself. You open up and give them a little piece of you. They were meant to have that piece, as you were meant to accept a piece of them. A lot of times, problems arise and two people don't end up working out. A lot of time, the two don't communicate anymore. I believe that when we end a relationship with someone, we can never be as close to them as we were before. Part of you is broken. Part of them is broken. And that's okay, because they were there for the parts of your life they needed to be," Ashley started.

"But you and I…I don't think we fit that. I've never really gotten over you Spencer. I don't think I will for quite a while. You don't just have a piece of me, you have all of me. And I know that you've gotten over me, but sometimes I get lost in the fantasy that one day you're going to run back up to me and tell me you're sorry for what you did and that you love me and I'm enough for you and you're never going to leave ever again. I wish it were true more than anything else in the world. Maybe it will happen. Maybe it won't. Maybe someday, I'll be what you need because clearly I wasn't and I haven't been. That's my life, Spencer. I think about you every day. And I want you to know that I'm happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be," Ashley ended.

It was a good hour before Spencer spoke again. "Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places," she said. "I don't think three years ago I was ready for the type of relationship we had. I wasn't mature enough to handle what I was feeling for you. But I can tell you right now that I'm not over you. I haven't been and I don't think I will be. I can use people to distract me but at the end of the day, you're still on my mind. You're always on my mind."

"Over the past three years, I feel like what we had blurred together. I think I was trying to push the memory of you out of my life. I'd forgotten how beautiful you are. I'd forgotten how your eyes sparkle when you laugh and your unconscious frown in a serious moment. I'd forgotten the feeling that made every day seem like Christmas Eve. I'd forgotten how my heart raced and how my hands refused to stop shaking. I'd forgotten how much I love you. But then I saw you that day, at my parent's, and I remembered. And it hit me all at once that you will be the only person I could ever feel this way for," Spencer said.

Ashley felt like crying. Spencer was sitting in front of her, telling her that she still loved her. It was everything she wanted to hear for the past three years. But it didn't take away the fact that Spencer threw it away in the first place.

"I know you're upset with me. I can't say I don't deserve that. But I will do everything to prove to you that you're the one for me, Ashley. I want to make you see that you are everything to me," Spencer said.

"I shouldn't have thrown what we had away. I should've sat down and talked my fears out with you. But what's happened has happened. And the past three years have sucked. But I promise you I will prove to you that I will never do it again. I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend now. I couldn't do that to you. But I want to be your friend. I want to get to know you again. I want you to see who I am now. And maybe, eventually, we could become more. I don't know if you'll ever take me back, but I'm going to try," Spencer said.

The funny thing was, even though Spencer had hurt her a tremendous amount, Ashley knew she would take Spencer back right at that moment if Spencer asked her to.

"Okay," was what she said. She looked at Spencer for a while until she felt Spencer's lips on her forehead. Her eyes closed at the touch. They were as soft as she remembered and a part of her wished it wasn't her forehead Spencer was kissing but her lips.

"I've missed you," Spencer said.

"I've missed you too," Ashley said. Spencer put her arm around Ashley's shoulders and Ashley rested her head on Spencer's shoulder.

It only took both of them pouring out their hearts to create the situation, but it was the happiest Ashley had been in three years.

And it was all because of Spencer Carlin.


End file.
